


Marketing Solutions

by redstapler



Category: Ghostbusters (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:32:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5464994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redstapler/pseuds/redstapler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who do you call when you don't want ghosts busted, exactly? Handled?</p><p>Well, you still call The Ghostbusters, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marketing Solutions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greenlily](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenlily/gifts).



> Greenlily, I hope you enjoy this! I had fun writing it! 
> 
> Happy Yuletide!!

"Janine, I can't believe you talked me into this. This is absurd."

"Not at all! I bet you look great. Come out of there, let’s see you."

Dana huffed and stepped out of the fitting room. Kitted out in full gear, she had her own Ghostbuster(TM) branded uniform, complete with a mock proton pack and a name badge that said "BARRETT" over the left breast pocket flap. She looked every inch a Ghostbuster. Ray and Janine looked up at their friend. 

"Oh my God, Dana, you look incredible,” Ray exclaimed. “This will be perfect for our hiring campaign!"  

Dana Barrett didn't really do "self conscious," and looking in the mirror, she had to admit she cut a fine figure.

“I do look damn good, don’t I?” Dana tried a few poses. She’d feel silly if she didn’t look really cool at the same time.

The door opened, and the three of them looked up. Peter walked in with a cup of bodega coffee in his hand.

“Wow, Dana! You look better in that than Ray does! Hey Egon, can Dana take Ray’s spot on the squad?”

Egon entered the room, and gave Dana an appraising look.

“Yes, I can see how putting a tall and attractive woman in one of our uniforms will assuredly boost both business and hiring initiatives. But I suspect Dana taking the gig is entirely up to her.”

 "I don’t think it’s something I’m quite suited for, but...I’m getting paid for this, right?”

 “Yes,” said Ray and Janine.

 “No,” said Peter at the same time. Janine pinched the bridge of her nose.

 “Egon, you have the deciding vote.”

 “Absolutely you’ll get paid, Dana. Consider yourself Ghostbusters’ newest hire.”

 Peter started to grumble, but Janine shot him a look. “Oh, get over yourself. You’re just cranky because she looks better in the suit than you do.”

 Peter couldn’t disagree with that.

 

* * *

 “Ghostbusters, how can we help you today?”

  
Janine rubbed her temple with her free hand, mentally preparing for whatever this potential client had to offer. These days, phone calls were an eclectic mix of prank calls, legitimate hauntings, and hapless people still figuring out baby monitors and cordless phones. It made for long days.

“Hi, yes, um. We have a ghost issue.” The woman’s voice had a perceptible waver, even over the phone.

“Well, you’ve called the right place. What’s going on?”

“My name is Amelia, and I’m the manager at One If By Land, Two If By Sea, and we have ghosts. In fact, we’re known for our ghosts. It’s one of our publicity draws. Lately, though, the hauntings have been getting...worse.”

Janine opened her steno pad and put on a headset, because she knew this call was going to require both hands.

“Worse how?”

 “It used to be tame stuff. Tapping waitstaff, tilting pictures, stuff like that. The occasional smashed dish. One of the ghosts has been known to sometimes steal women’s earrings at the bar. But seriously, never anything really harmful or malicious. But lately? It’s been turning that way. Throwing knives instead of smashing dishes. Pulling earrings off so hard it’s ripped some earlobes. Outright shoving waitstaff carrying trays. People are getting nervous.”

 “I understand completely. I can have a team of three at your location tomorrow, and I will fax you a contract right now.” Janine took a deep breath and read from a paper taped to her desk. “I am required by the Better Business Bureau to read you the following: By signing a contract with us you waive all rights to sue for damages caused by our services. Further, you agree you understand our services are provided with technology that may have radioactive properties--”

 “Miss! Wait a moment.” There was now a note of panic in the restaurant manager’s voice.

 “Yes?”

 “We don’t...ah...want to bust the ghosts.”

"Well, you called Ghostbusters. What do you want us to do?”

 “We want to keep our ghosts--they’re an important part of our...ambiance. We just want to find out why they’ve gotten so nasty, and maybe get them to tone it down.”

“Uh...let me call you back.”

 Janine pushed the button that ended the call, dropped the headset back on her desk, and sighed heavily. Someone had gotten Monday all over her Tuesday.

That someone was the restaurant manager of one of the best restaurants in Manhattan.

 

* * *

 Janine called the meeting as quickly as she could. Egon was easy: he’d been down in the containment area taking readings. Ray and Winston had been working on Ecto-1, so they hadn’t been hard to wrangle, either.

 It was Peter who was the problem child. Always Peter.

 Janine pinched the bridge of her nose again.

 She’d found him by calling Dana, because when he went AWOL, she was always the first person to check with. In fairness to Peter, though, he’d been looking after Oscar. But like, not told anyone he’d be on the Upper West Side all afternoon. Anyway. Because she was now technically part of the team, Dana was present at the table. Janine considered the task at hand and figured Dana might not be the worst person to have on as a ringer for this one. To be fair, Dana was still technically part of the team after the hiring campaign.

 “Okay, everyone, we’ve got a weird case. I got a call this morning from the manager of One If By Land, Two If By Sea, that restaurant up by Sheridan Square. They have ghosts, and the ghosts have gone from playful and mischievous to violent and maybe dangerous. Here’s the kicker: They don’t want the ghosts gone. They just want to know what’s bothering them, and if they’d be so kind to turn the volume back down to ‘cute marketing ploy.’”

 “Is that even possible?” Ray looked concerned as he fiddled with his coffee cup. He glanced around the table at his colleagues.

 Winston cleared his throat. “My grandmother would burn sage to, as she put it, cleanse the house of bad spirits. Would something like that work? I mean, if the client doesn’t want the ghosts contained…” He trailed off, not sure how superstition and science would go together on this.

 “I’ve got it!” Shouted Peter. Janine pinched the bridge of her nose again. Anytime Peter said that, in that tone of voice, they all paid for it. Usually in the form of dry cleaning bills. “Hey, Egon, do you have any more of that subway slime, or did we use it all up that one New Year’s?”

 “I still have some. I’ve actually been cultivating it. I’ve been experimenting with introducing benevolent spirits to it. I’ve been keeping it positively charged. I think I see where you’re going with this.”

 Winston perked up. “What if we mixed some of the slime with some sage?”

 Ray picked up the thread. “I bet if we combined them, it would be like...ghost catnip!”

 "Or some other calming smoke product,” Peter joined in.

 “I’m going to look into distilling the essential chemicals in both the slime and some sage into water. To use Peter’s sly marijuana allusion, I bet putting that mixture into humidifiers throughout the restaurant would be an effective...solution.” Egon looked around the room to see if anyone appreciated his science pun. Dana gave him a hairy eyeball and Ray groaned. Eh, he’d take it.

 The group started gathering their papers and coffee cup detritus, signalling the end of the meeting.

 “Wait a second,” Dana stopped them. “Egon, the last time you used the slime, didn’t you charge it with Jackie Wilson music?”

 “I did.”

 “That’s not going to fly at that restaurant. I’ve been there. It’s in an 1800s carriage house. Their tasting menu costs more than your rent. We need to go on-theme here.”

 “And what are you suggesting?”

 “Well, it’s not like you have any classically trained cellists on retainer, is it? Oh wait.”

 “Dana, I love you so much right now,” Peter chimed in.

 “Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard that one before,” Dana smirked back at him.

 Janine smiled faintly. Maybe there hadn’t been so much Monday on this Tuesday after all.

 

* * *

 

Janine sat back down at her desk, feeling quite pleased with how that meeting went. She picked up the phone and looked at her notes from earlier.

 “Hello, thank you for calling One If By Land, Two If By Sea, how may I direct your call?”

“Hi, may I speak to Amelia, please? This is Janine calling. She’ll know who I am, we spoke earlier. Tell her I have good news.”  
  


* * *

 

Janine fussed at her hair and makeup for the twelfth time in ten minutes. She and Egon were going to do some reconnaissance at the restaurant to make sure their idea was even viable. Ray and Winston were also curious to find out exactly what was causing the ghosts to change their behavior patterns suddenly. “Without knowing what’s going on,” Ray warned, “the ecto-sage solution will only be a bandaid, not a cure. You know, not really a full solution.”

Whatever, it gave Janine a prime excuse to have dinner with Egon at a very fancy restaurant. Opportunity  _ seized _ .

At precisely 6:30pm, her intercom bleeped. Punctual, that Egon.

She pressed the button and spoke into the com, “I’ll be right down!”

Grabbing her coat and her keys, she gave one last glance at herself in the mirror.  _ Here goes nothing, _ she thought to herself.

Egon was downstairs, dressed presentably in his “aw crap we have to go to court” suit and a warm wool coat. He carried an attache case that she knew was full of things for their mission, specifically a PKE meter and a vial of the ecto-sage solution. In her own purse was a small oil diffuser from Pier 1 that had been given to her as a gift some years ago. Before they stormed in with the humidifiers, they were going to try a localized experiment.

The November cold hit Janine a bit hard, and she blurted a hello as she rushed to the curb to hail a cab. She entirely missed the look on Egon’s face when she came to the door: he was startled to see Janine dressed up.

Cab hailed, the two rode in silence down to Sheridan Square. The cab smelled of cigarettes, incense, and the unnecessary third scent of the air freshener tree hanging from the rearview mirror. Janine was just thankful “cabdriver” wasn’t part of the scent profile. She and Egon smelled of wool and cold from getting into the cab. She thought she caught a whiff of cologne, but she talked herself into believing it was just the sage wafting out of his briefcase. On the list of men she thought would put on cologne to go to a fancy restaurant, even under false pretenses, none of the men she worked with were anywhere near it. 

The cab pulled up next to the restaurant, and Janine paid, remembering to get a receipt so she could expense the cost. Egon held the door for her, and they stepped in and checked their coats, then approached the host station.

“Hello, and welcome!”

“Hi there! My name is Janine, I made a special reservation with Amelia. I was wondering if I could speak with her before we sat down?”

“Oh, Janine, hello! I’m Amelia.” The two women shook hands, and Amelia beckoned for Janine and Egon to follow her. “I’ve got you set up in a fairly out of the way spot. I hope that’s all right?”

“That should be fine, thank you,” Egon replied. “Can you tell me more about the disturbances?”

“Absolutely. Let’s uh, get you both seated first, though.” Amelia quickened her pace, and they  followed suit.

Once settled in, Amelia carefully schooled her body language so it looked like she was doing nothing more interesting than informing them of the specials.

“Okay, this corner is pretty good for usual ghost activity. This, actually, is where the escalation has been the worst. This room is where the ghost of Theodosia Burr likes to steal earrings. She's gotten somewhat violent, too. If that's a concern... ” Amelia trailed off, smiling with concern at Janine, who was wearing a very pretty pair of garnet drops. “And please do try to keep a low profile, and let me know what you find out. “ 

“Don’t worry, Amelia, we’re very discreet,” Janine reassured her, crossing her toes in her boots. They’d gotten better, but anyone who’d read the papers knew that wasn’t always the case. “Don't worry about my ears. These are a special pair that will automatically come out without hurting me. Also, here is a CD that we made especially for this case. Don’t worry, it’s nothing that will raise suspicions.” Janine sat up primly. “We have a Philharmonic cellist on retainer.”

“Wonderful! I’ll put this on and I’ll leave you to it, then. And, I know you’re here on work, but please do enjoy the meal.”

“We will,” Egon thanked her as a server came by with menus and bread. 

Janine waited for them to be alone, and began setting up the diffuser. “Egon what do you think these presences want?”

“I’m not sure. Unlike previous increases in disturbances, there doesn’t seem to be any underlying impending event. I mean, unless this is the first shot across the bow for the Millennium, but I sincerely doubt that.”

“Are you worried about the Millennium?” Janine lit the tea light under the bowl that held the sage and ectoplasm mixture. It had a surprisingly pleasant smell, all things considered.

“In our line of work, I’d have to be foolish not to be. Millennium turnovers are historic moments for paradigm shifts and other major events.”

“I don’t know if I’m worried about it from a paranormal point of view, but I’m definitely worried about people going totally insane. Humanity is way more powerful than they were in 999AD.” 

“It’s true, we are. I often wonder how the presences deal with that. Other, of course, than causing severe electrical disturbances. We see similar issues when old buildings are torn down and new things are built in their place. Or when they’re attached to specific items, and the items get moved or destroyed. The presences get agitated and act out.”

“Egon, that’s it! When I spoke to Amelia on the phone earlier, she said they were about to begin some renovations to the restaurant. She said they’d begun moving some of the historical artifacts they display into storage!”

“That has to be it. I seem to recall their artifacts are intensely personal to the ghosts on record, as much as the building itself.”

“We make a good team, Egon.” Janine chanced a smile at him over the candlelight.

“We do.” Egon returned the smile with a slow, gentle look.

For all that they were out on a job, Janine couldn’t deny this was starting to feel like a very romantic evening.

But maybe it was Dana’s cello-charged ectopalsm.  

She’d take it.

 

  
  



End file.
